Chance the Rapper
“The Big Day”

Chance the Rapper has been around for quite a while, long enough to have amassed a huge following, but apparently not long enough for “The Big Day” to be his actual debut LP. Chance congregates some of the lamest beats and production of the year, likewise some god-awful bars, and a confounded feature list to accompany that. This goes on for 80 MINUTES. If you listen to this, please find something productive to do in the meantime.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Stephan Jenkins has wanted to create a bloated pop-rap album for years. Maybe even decades. Listening to “Screamer” is just sad and unfortunate. Considering how influential Third Eye Blind used to be in the post-grunge scene of the late 1990s, it’s hard not to believe that, at some point, Jenkins went absolutely insane. The result is a heartless, sickeningly sugary pop album that has zero parallels to the former band at all.

Imagine you’re stuck in the Chick-fil-A drive-thru when a pair of beavers start making noises and fixing their gargantuanly sized cowboy hats. You have the sudden urge to careen out of the drive-thru because anything sounds better than listening to this for the next 50 minutes. After the beavers spill Corona and dipping tobacco all over your car, you realize you’re not on your normal radio station, and frantically flip to something digestible. Your desire to die has vanished just as quickly as it appeared.

For a moment, I liked blink-182 when Matt Skiba from Alkaline Trio joined for “California.” Other than that, I’ve never found anything redeeming beyond their annoying sound. I figured after nine records, they might have matured. But no. Pop-punk never matures. And so, the aptly titled ninth studio album, “Nine,” reflects just that: juvenile songwriting from musicians who are probably well into their 40s. Nothing stands out, which is problematic for a 15-song album.

Often, I think it’s funny to hear cringe-worthy lyrics, partly for sheer comedic value, but also to make bands who do have quality lyrical content shine even more. “Pep Talks” by Judah and the Lion is everything that is generic in pop music and multiplied tenfold. As someone who genuinely likes a lot of pop music, this is just agonizing to sit through. The only inspiration this group has is wanting to be Imagine Dragons, which is arguably one of the worst desires in the music industry one could have.